I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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