take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
