Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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