Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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