she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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