Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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