did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
