Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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