hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
