I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
this hospital has no fireball
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
