Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
