I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
