I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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