i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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