i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
