based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
