i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
