apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
