dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
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I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
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this hospital has no fireball
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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