so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
