I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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