You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
