I want to stick my p in your. b.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.