Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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