this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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