wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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