you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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