someone threw a dead crab at me
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
