just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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