Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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