lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
