I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
