'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
