On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
