Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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My bed is full of blood and feathers
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
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I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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