When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Randomize
