ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
