he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
