if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So much rum. So many feels.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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