If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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