two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
