Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
