ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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