So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
