I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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