He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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