Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
