If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
