I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
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i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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