I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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