My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
