I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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