New low: just hacked my moms facebook
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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