When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
