she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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