I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
