I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
this just has baby written all over it
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
